Greetings, aspiring Adonises and potential Hercules! I'm Franko Loom, and after 15 years of transforming my body from a flabby flesh sack into a chiseled masterpiece, I'm here to guide you through the treacherous yet rewarding journey of bodybuilding. Buckle up, buttercup, because we're about to embark on a wild ride through the land of gains, pain, and inexplicable stains (on your gym clothes, of course).
First things first, you need to make the gym your second home. And by second home, I mean the place where you'll spend more time than your actual home, your work, or any meaningful relationship you might have hoped to maintain.
Did you know? According to a survey by the International Health, Racquet & Sportsclub Association, the average gym-goer spends about 6 hours per week at the gym. But you, my friend, are not average. Prepare to double or triple that number if you want to see those muscles pop!
Forget everything you know about normal eating habits. From now on, your life will revolve around protein shakes, chicken breasts, and enough rice to feed a small village. Your new food pyramid looks suspiciously like a mountain of tupperware containers.
Fun fact: Bodybuilders typically consume between 1.6 to 2.2 grams of protein per kilogram of body weight daily. That's about 150-200 grams of protein for a 180-pound person. In layman's terms, that's approximately 25 chicken breasts a day. Your local poultry farm will love you!
While the rest of the world is out partying, you'll be tucked in bed by 9 PM, dreaming of deadlifts and protein synthesis. Sleep is when the magic happens, and by magic, I mean your muscles repairing themselves from the torture you put them through earlier.
The numbers don't lie: A study published in the Journal of Musculoskeletal and Neuronal Interactions found that individuals who slept 5.5 hours or less had 60% less muscle mass than those who slept 8 hours or more. So, hit the hay like it's your job!
Bodybuilding isn't just about lifting heavy things and putting them down. It's also about strutting your stuff on stage, covered in enough fake tan to make an Oompa Loompa jealous. Practice your poses until your muscles scream, then practice some more.
Shocking revelation: Competitive bodybuilders can burn up to 200 calories per hour just by posing. That's right, flexing is officially a cardio workout. Take that, treadmill!
Your new best friends are the guy who always forgets to rerack his weights, the girl who screams during every rep, and the old man who gives unsolicited advice. Embrace them, for they are your new family now.
The cold, hard truth: A survey by Bodybuilding.com found that 73% of serious lifters reported that their dedication to fitness had negatively impacted their social lives. But who needs friends when you have gainz, right?
There you have it, folks! The not-so-secret secrets to becoming a bodybuilder. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither will your biceps be. It's a journey of dedication, self-discipline, and an unhealthy obsession with your macronutrient intake.
So, grab your protein shaker, lace up those lifting shoes, and prepare to enter a world where "Do you even lift, bro?" isn't just a question – it's a way of life. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my hourly meal of boiled chicken and broccoli. These gains won't maintain themselves!